I Want to THANK you...

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״Gratitude is an emotion which recognizes the usefulness for something that has been done״

So much for dictionary commentary. 

How many times did we promise to send gratitude after we have been treated nicely on the flight or the hotel we stayed in or even a neighbour that walked into our house and brought a cake....?

And how many times did we implement...?

Gratitude is perceived as one of the most meaningful experiences and is considered a

noble act.

Many researches have examined this experience and one of the findings that came up was that apparently gratitude is simple and practical but in fact is complicated and isn't simple at all.

It was further revealed in the research that gratitude is one of the leading and influential factors in mental health which is one of the factors that predict happiness.

From early childhood we were taught that it's polite and acceptable to be thankful in a society, but have we adapted it into our private lives?

Allegedly, it is very easy for us to ask forgiveness from a stranger or to thank him. Why is it harder for us with those who are closest to us?

One of the assumptions is that by the act of gratitude we are obligated to return the favor and the term "Grateful" is derived from this. I'm grateful - until I find a way to give you so that you will be grateful to me....

In one of the sessions with a married couple of over 50 years, an argument was made that the husband doesn't know how to show gratitude for anything his wife is doing.

In conversations there was a feeling of rising frustration on the part of the woman which felt that it's all very obvious.

I admit that the conversation was very surprising for him.... "To show gratitude?" he asked surprised .... "for what?"

"When you thank me, I know that you appreciate me. That you see how much I do for you. And I don't need more than a good word of gratitude"....

Why is it so hard for us to say it?....

Relationships which last long years have plenty of beauty, and with it there is erosion too.

At the beginning we said thank you, verbally or otherwise, for a gesture that was made for us.... over the years we stopped saying thank you and we accepted the deeds for granted.

the relationships became technical, the relationship became direct and love turned into routine.

 

So,

When was the last time you said  thank you to your spouse?

Or expressed your appreciation?

"Thank you for the morning coffee"

"Thanks for buying milk"

"Thanks for listening..."

Thank you for and thank you because  -

It's simple to say thank you.

Who did you call pathetic ?

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A few years ago, one of the best rock bands in the world came to Israel. They gave an amazing performance, full of energy. The singer ran and danced and jumped with all his energy.

The crowd was excited, sang the lyrics of the songs, danced and shouted to every gesture of the singer when he mentioned Tel Aviv or Jerusalem!

It was a great performance!!

On the way out of the performance I overheard a conversation by a group of girls saying that the singer was simply pathetic.

"How old does he think he is?" one question.... "What does he think he's 20?" added another girl...."Simply pathetic" - the group of girls agreed.

For a long time, I've been going around with a sense of discomfiture. I too have been looking with a weird stare at full figured girls wearing bikini, or an older woman dressed like the last fusionist in New York or a 70-year-old man that practices his muscles at the gym.

"What's going on in their minds?" I thought to myself then....

When I asked a group of grownups, I received an explanation that a 70-year-old woman can't wear a skirt above the knee because her knees aren't beautiful anymore.

I was told that a grown man can't wear an undershirt because he's not muscular anymore.

Furthermore, I was explained that an older woman can't wear makeup as if she was 16 years old and an old man can't dance because it's ridiculous....

If there is a word which needs to be eradicated, surely in terms of age, is the word pathetic.

This life that we live every day. That we grow with and inside of, this life doesn't have prohibition on emotions!

When I meet with people, every thought they have or emotion, will or dream - is legitimate!!

Social prohibition, taboo or anything else we prohibit ourselves is fertile ground for a narrow-minded life, obviously unsatisfied and which seal the path to fixation.

It's possible that one woman feels very comfortable to wear a mini skirt at the age of 78 and no one has the authority to determine what is and what isn't appropriate for her....

A man who decides to undergo a hair transplant because his baldness is frustrating to him and he sees himself in the mirror and feels bad - had chosen to take care of himself and be in a place that is good for his life.

When a grown man is in touch with his inner self, attentive to his wants, needs and abilities - he's fully not pathetic!

Is there an "age ruler" which registers what is permitted, for who, until what age and when not? .... not that I would know!

No judgementalism, I allow myself to sum up that it may be possible for me to choose differently from what my eyes see - but "pathetic"? ...... definitely no!!

I'm pathetic when I'm thinking this way about other people!!

Negative :(  thought

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A negative thought is a sign for emotional distress and who among us doesn't feel sometimes that the negative thoughts are "drowning" him.

An 89-year-old woman came to me out of distress emanating from her relationship with her daughter.

"She will never amount to anything", "It's terrible what happened to her" and

"she's so miserable" ....

Right now, what's flooding her are the negative thoughts about her daughter and she's unable to make room for positive thinking, even though she's surrounded by wonderful things.

When I ask her if she talks about her distress, she says that she was asked to keep the story a secret.

Most negative thoughts are created and evolve when we keep them in our stomach. A secret is a heavy burden and carrying it around takes an expensive toll.

You can't see a bad thought, all the same, the body starts to react, and psychosomatic illnesses come out.

So, what do we do?

First, we give it room!

Thoughts are normal and human. We need to pay attention that they're not taking over our lives and run the way we operate like sleep deprivation, decrease in appetite, lack of vitality etc.

Second, to find a way or a place to talk these thoughts.

Another thing I would recommend is to educate ourselves whenever a negative thought comes along.

"talk" to it. Ask it some questions such as "What are you trying to tell me?" "Why are you coming now?" "How can I calm you down?", however refuted it may sound.

Positive thoughts are there at the same measure and even more - but we give them less space. How easy it is for us to criticize ourselves and how hard it is for us to praise ourselves.

And in conclusion:

We all have bad thoughts and they're completely normal, until they dominate us.

Good thoughts exist within us in droves and yet we simply don't know how to express them....

Research has shown that bad thoughts shorten our lives and vice versa.

If you believe that thought creates reality - this is the time to think positive.

 

Short story-

Once a man walked down the street hunched and grumpy - God turned to him and asked him "How are you dear man?"

"How am I doing?" answered the man "Bad, very bad!!" he barked.

God thought to himself - this is bad? I'll show him what bad is....

After a few minutes he met a tired man, sitting on the side of the road and resting from the burden of the day. "How are you?" God asked him. "How am I doing?" answered the man quietly, "I'm doing great!!" he said and smiled.

God thought to himself - this is great? I'll show him what great is.

@ Yael Haviv 2018